Birthdays come around once a year.
Everyone’s claim to celebrating life on a single date
filled with flowers and praise
melodies and cakes
decorated with a mishmash of love and icing.
I love birthdays
But none quite like I loved yours.
Because when yours glided by, time stood still-
I never wanted to keep moving;
Instead I saturated myself with thoughts of
your smile
for the 24 hours that felt like a lifetime.
A heart encircled the date
the only one I had written down in my perpetually outdated planner
And I couldn’t wait until the clock struck midnight
so that I could be the first to profess my love for your existence -
because all I breathed was your air.
It was a day of songs sung in vines and branches, ice cold ice cream, and temporary tattoos-
your favorite things that I readily gifted to you
apart from my soul.
To me, your birthday was never just a birthday.
So when you left me, the date started to hit me like a rock crashing through my chest bone,
knocking the wind out of me,
rendering me unable to breathe;
there was no air without you.
Tiny hearts shaped like mine still enveloped your name in my notepads
while heartache masked by kindness flooded my brain
as I crafted heart emoji filled birthday messages
to prove to you that I was fine without you.
But I wasn’t.
“Happy Birthday!! ❤ ❤ ❤ I hope you have an amazing day.
You are an incredible person
and I love you so much. ❤”
The second line was a lie
that the third line overrode.
And I still love you
despite my every logical desire to
cut the vestiges of you out of my brain
despite the pain and suffering
you continue to inflict on my tender heart
from miles away.
Birthdays became hard for me because of you.
Because every time yours comes around
I find myself remembering
your incredibly contagious laugh
the ways you stroked my hair
and gently touched my eyes
The way it used to be.
I don’t know when I’ll get over you.
I don’t know when I’ll be better.
But some day, your birthday will fall on
a random Tuesday
that I no longer think about
and I’ll sit back
watching the day leisurely pass
with a satisfied smile.
